The Guilt of Parenthood

As the parent of a infant, I must wake up periodically in the wee hours for Peyton. Sometimes I'm more enthusiastic about this than others. Well, that's being too generous and short on authenticity. The reality is that it sucks when I've been asleep for two hours and she starts squawking to do our change 'n' feed ritual. The real kicker is when she decides that this midnight session is not a quick pit stop but rather a full-on, two-plus-hour playtime with Daddy.

I love my daughter, but I joke that not even Jesus wants to be around me at that hour. I am impatient and easily irritated when I think I should be sleeping. And when the frustration escalates, I feel guilty and grossly inadequate as a parent. Shouldn't I be able to show patience and compassion to my precious daughter? Shouldn't I appreciate these special moments when she actually wants to spend time with me? Shouldn't I be able to soothe her back to sleep? Shouldn't I...?

This evening I read a chapter in Sacred Parenting, by Gary Thomas, that spoke directly into my disappointment and guilt, and I'd like to share a couple statements he made.

It dawned on me that not only am I not fully qualified to parent, I also have to admit that sometimes -- out of weariness, distraction, or whatever -- I don't even live up to my own capabilities. I'm less than my best, even though I realize my best isn't good enough!

I get that. It's the God's honest truth about me too. Thankfully Rayna knows more about this kid stuff than I do, but even together it feels like we navigate largely on our best guess. I figure I missed the line where God handed out the instruction manual for raising kids.

The reality is that Peyton needs complete love and compassionate truth, and I'm not capable of delivering that 100% of the time. By God's grace, I get it right sometimes, but I'm far from perfect. Just like me, she needs what only God can provide. If I try to shoulder that responsibility, that unfailing, perfect love, then I'm taking on a mantle I can't carry. And when I think or act like I can, then I supplant Yahweh's role in her life and try to make me her god.

What a great relief! I don't have to be perfect or put on some facade for Peyton. I'm not suggesting that it's okay for me to remain short-fused. No, God is still at work in me on that character issue. But when it comes to Peyton, I have to love her to the best of my abilities and continue to learn to love her better. And when I fail, and fail I will, I need to ask for forgiveness, pursue reconciliation, and show her that Daddy needs Jesus too.

It's no accident that we have the children we have; God made them and placed them in our care. When he did so, he knew our limitations, but he still entrusted us with these children.

Again, the sovereignty of an all-knowing God brings me great peace. God knew that at 31 years old, I still wouldn't have all the answers. He knew how far I would still have to go in character school and what subjects I would need remedial help in. He knew I would be past my all-nighter years--those were exhausted in college and in my early to mid twenties for the most part. He knew. This not a surprise to Him. It's not like He didn't see any of this coming. This is His plan, and knowing all this, He still gave us Peyton and said it was time to become a father. Now I may joke that He's crazy, and he most certainly has a sense of humor; nonetheless, He entrusted Rayna and me with Peyton. He thought it the right idea, the right plan.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this book. It's not a parenting how-to book. Gary looks instead at how God uses parenting to shape parents and work in their lives. From what I've read so far, I expect this book will stimulate many more thoughts and reflections.

PS: Gary also wrote Sacred Marriage which I HIGHLY recommend. It challenges our culture's perspective on marriage: what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? AWESOME read.